devonly randomonium

Sugar-coated effery and shenanigans.

Do They Make Invisible Fence for Creepers?

on April 20, 2012


Source: Urlesque

I would love to start dating again, but I’m very afraid to do so.

Why? One word, eight letters.


I was talking to a lady in Zumba class yesterday and this subject came up. It seems like many weirdos have crossed both of our paths over the years. We even admitted that we no longer make eye contact with certain guys because once you do, you’ve got a full-blown, code red clinger situation.

Guys, there’s nothing wrong with having a little confidence. But a woman saying “hello,” or “thank you” does not mean they think you’re the sexiest thing in the world, and that they want to have your baby right there on the spot. (Well, it might if you meet a rat, but for normal women it doesn’t.) Be a gentleman. Give the right response and keep it moving.

This brings me to Chief Hungry Eyes. Chief Hungry Eyes is the Chris Hansen-caliber predator in our Zumba class. Do I care if he reads this? No. It might help him get his weak game in check, and possibly avoid potential restraining orders. (So Chief if your reading, take notes. There will be a quiz.) Anywho, Chief Hungry Eyes always strolls into class late. And instead of walking in and finding a spot in the back of the gym, the Chief likes to make his presence known. He leisurely walks in and stares everyone down as if he’s at the world’s largest buffet. Then he selects his victim for that class and tortures them for an hour.

Now I’m pretty sure the Chief is harmless, but his creeper habits make me want to buy some dog mace and a whistle. But I’m sure that in his mind he’s smooth as silk, and he’s slaying hoes from coast to coast.

Wrong, wrong.

Guys like the Chief and all the random dudes I’ve encountered online and in real life have convinced me that I’m going to be alone for some time until I buy my pug. Me and Tommy the pug will live together and wear matching outfits. And when he dies, I’ll have him cloned so he can live forever.

Just kidding.

Dudes, don’t be creepers. It’s not hot. You telling me I look sexy in a pig costume (true story), or staring a woman down like a lunch buffet is not cool. Be charming, be witty and be a gentleman. Do this and you will be slaying the ladies from coast to coast.

In the meantime, I’m going to see if they can develop an Invisible Fence for creepers. I have to protect myself from further trauma.


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