devonly randomonium

Sugar-coated effery and shenanigans.

Open Letter to Team Chunk

on May 10, 2011

Dear Team Chunk,

I have to say that I am proud of you for the most part. Some of you have really stepped up your style game. You refuse to look frumpy, lumpy and dumpy. Instead, you’ve taken the latest fashion trends and made them work for you. I love what  you’re doing and encourage you to keep shutting it down.

Now on the other hand, some of you have really let me down. Some of you look like you don’t even know what a full-length mirror is. That or your friends, family, significant others and sales associates have been lying to you for a very long time. What am I referring to?

Ladies, I’m talking about the tight shirts that show every ripple, dimple, lump and bump. The graphic tees that you buy from stores that you have no business in because they sell nothing in your size. Or if they do, you probably have convinced yourself that you can buy stuff in the regular section because you’re still in denial about wearing plus sized clothes.

Why am I telling you to stop the Chuck Woolery tomfoolery? Three words – Pillsbury Grands biscuits. You know what happens when you peel the label off of a can of biscuits. The cardboard seams pop and the dough oozes out. Well, you look like a popped can of biscuits in those tight-ass shirts. A pan of hot, flaky-layer Grands biscuits looks good. You in a tight shirt with your gut and back rolls pushing through the fabric does not. Do me a favor and refer to a size chart before you buy another graphic tee.

And please stop with the super-small athletic apparel from once again, STORES THAT DON’T CARRY CLOTHING IN YOUR SIZE. You know what I’m talking about. Sweatpants from American Eagle, Aeropostale, Abercrombie, Juicy Couture and the Victoria’s Secret Pink collection.

First of all, when you’ve got junk, a couple of spare tires or even a beach ball in your “trunk,” you don’t need to advertise a damn thing on your behind. It doesn’t look “Juicy” at all. And it looks even worse when your butt crack is showing because you got low-rise pants since no other rise could accommodate your stomach. And leave the VS Pink pants alone too. On some of y’all, “PINK” looks like “PNK” (Their butts ate the “I”) or “PTNK”(Their butts stretched out the “I”).

Guys, you’re not off the hook either. I’m trying to figure out why you think a super-long tee or polo over pants that are fastened below your third trimester belly looks good? It doesn’t matter that you completed your ensemble with a hat and shoes that match. It just looks bad. Find some clothes that fit properly. All of that extra material just magnifies your problem areas anyway.

As your unofficial Team Chunk spokesperson, I say all of this in love. I am one of you and I know your struggles. I also believe that you can do better. Keep your head up Team Chunk and make me proud.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a chocolate blackout cupcake.

Yours in chunk,

Devon 🙂

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