devonly randomonium

Sugar-coated effery and shenanigans.

Hello There!

Hey guys and gals! I’ve missed you all. I apologize for being a bum and not blogging for the last two weeks. But I’m baaaaack! More rants, recipes and fixations to come so stay tuned!

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Open Letter to Team Chunk

Dear Team Chunk,

I have to say that I am proud of you for the most part. Some of you have really stepped up your style game. You refuse to look frumpy, lumpy and dumpy. Instead, you’ve taken the latest fashion trends and made them work for you. I love what  you’re doing and encourage you to keep shutting it down.

Now on the other hand, some of you have really let me down. Some of you look like you don’t even know what a full-length mirror is. That or your friends, family, significant others and sales associates have been lying to you for a very long time. What am I referring to?

Ladies, I’m talking about the tight shirts that show every ripple, dimple, lump and bump. The graphic tees that you buy from stores that you have no business in because they sell nothing in your size. Or if they do, you probably have convinced yourself that you can buy stuff in the regular section because you’re still in denial about wearing plus sized clothes.

Why am I telling you to stop the Chuck Woolery tomfoolery? Three words – Pillsbury Grands biscuits. You know what happens when you peel the label off of a can of biscuits. The cardboard seams pop and the dough oozes out. Well, you look like a popped can of biscuits in those tight-ass shirts. A pan of hot, flaky-layer Grands biscuits looks good. You in a tight shirt with your gut and back rolls pushing through the fabric does not. Do me a favor and refer to a size chart before you buy another graphic tee.

And please stop with the super-small athletic apparel from once again, STORES THAT DON’T CARRY CLOTHING IN YOUR SIZE. You know what I’m talking about. Sweatpants from American Eagle, Aeropostale, Abercrombie, Juicy Couture and the Victoria’s Secret Pink collection.

First of all, when you’ve got junk, a couple of spare tires or even a beach ball in your “trunk,” you don’t need to advertise a damn thing on your behind. It doesn’t look “Juicy” at all. And it looks even worse when your butt crack is showing because you got low-rise pants since no other rise could accommodate your stomach. And leave the VS Pink pants alone too. On some of y’all, “PINK” looks like “PNK” (Their butts ate the “I”) or “PTNK”(Their butts stretched out the “I”).

Guys, you’re not off the hook either. I’m trying to figure out why you think a super-long tee or polo over pants that are fastened below your third trimester belly looks good? It doesn’t matter that you completed your ensemble with a hat and shoes that match. It just looks bad. Find some clothes that fit properly. All of that extra material just magnifies your problem areas anyway.

As your unofficial Team Chunk spokesperson, I say all of this in love. I am one of you and I know your struggles. I also believe that you can do better. Keep your head up Team Chunk and make me proud.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a chocolate blackout cupcake.

Yours in chunk,

Devon 🙂

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Boy Stop!

So I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time now. I spent eight years dating someone who was touched in the head. And the last two years…cue the crickets. I tried the online thing and just received a bunch of random messages from green card candidates(Yes, one dude’s profile picture was his African I.D. picture.), truckers and my ex pretending to be someone else. So I shut all of that crap down. I already had a 100% success rate of meeting a nutball in person, so why should I pay eHarmony or Match to hook me up with one online? Whomp, whomp!

Even though my last relationship had enough drama for a Lifetime movie of the week, I haven’t written all men off. There are some good guys out there. Some of my best friends are guys and what kills me is that we seem to hit it off. So why can’t that magic flow outside of the friend zone? It’s a Chinese riddle in a conundrum.

So good guys exist. That’s great. But the effery that I have experienced and heard about from other people has caused me to become a wee bit cynical. But don’t cry for me Argentina. I know it will work out even if I have to review some of those green card candidates’ profiles again!

Last week, I had a conversation with my sister about this. I also had a shamfreakingwow moment as I listened to some of the stuff she told me.

She was at Wendy’s not too long ago and the guy working at the drive thru window tried to ask her out as she was getting something for dinner. He said, “Hey, I get off in 10 minutes. What you gettin’ into tonight?” Seriously? Boy stop! I guess he thought they made a connection over a value meal or something!

Then she told me about a guy who tried to talk to her while she was working. She said the guy asked her what she was doing after work, and if she had to go home to check on her kids. My sister said, “Um nothing and  no, I don’t have kids.” The guy replied, “For real, you don’t have kids? How did you manage that? I have four.”  Wooooooow!

I went to the gas station one day and I made the mistake of saying hello to the guy at the pump next to me. Next thing I know, I hear “Ay, how you doing?” I prayed that pump would hurry up so I could speed off. He kept trying to talk to me and sell me some steaks in the process! I may be a chunky chick but dude, did you really think I would be seduced by your bootleg conversation and the steaks in the janky deep freezer rigged to the back of your truck? I know times are hard, but dang!

So in the meantime, I’m going to try to stay positive. I’m also going to keep laughing and looking out for myself until I meet my renaissance man.

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